Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Things to do before having a baby

Here's my 12 step programme to get you ready for parenthood:

1. Make sure all the doors and floorboards in your house are silent. Disconnect the doorbell and the house phone. From now on, anything that can wake a sleeping baby, will wake a sleeping baby and is therefore your arch nemesis. 

2. Learn to prepare, chop and eat food one handed. While jiggling. Single handed toast spreading is  particularly tricky but will serve you well for many years. *Top tip: lower your standards, you don't need the spread to reach all corners, heck, you can even just wipe the toast across the tub of utterly butterly if you're desperate* (Not that I've done that...... recently)

3. Take all the CDs out of your car and disable the radio. You won't need good music where you're going. Replace your entire music collection with one low budget annoying Nursery Rhymes CD. Occasionally, repeat one song on that CD continually for 2-3 days.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Topsy is better than Tim

Are you Team Topsy or Team Tim?

Is your house feeling quieter these past few weeks? Admit it... you miss Topsy and Tim don't you? The series ended with the irritating, yet bizarrely watchable duo starting school and the acoustic slow-downed version of the theme tune made us all cry. (Don't lie! You cried when they started school just like I did!)

Since the weird sugar coated family of four have left our screens my boy has moved his affection to Grandpa in my Pocket. Obviously, I initially resisted the change but have grown to love him. (You should read this excellent blog by my friend Jess about the 7 stages of new CBeebies shows. It's too true!) But I really did hold a special place for those sickly sweet twins... well, one of them.

It's not just me is it? Who loves Topsy, but hates Tim? Surely.

Topsy is clearly better, cooler and funner than Tim. (She's so much funner, she'd deffo use the word funner... Tim would probably say 'more fun' because he's not as fun.)

Here's why I'm #TeamTopsy


Wednesday, 24 September 2014

iOS 9 (months)

Never mind your phone's new operating system, my BABY just got a software update that I didn't even get a choice in downloading.

Here's a quick run down of the features of my new and so-called 'improved' iOS 9 month baby.

Charging time

Gone are the days of 3 charging sessions a day, when the darling thing powered down to re-charge. Updated iOS 9 babies can charge for as little as 20 minutes and wake up ready to run a marathon. This is exhausting for owners but somewhat more convenient than having to schedule your entire life around endless charging.

"zzzzzzzzzzz.... HIYA!"

The iOS 9 has introduced a large selection of new audio outputs.
No longer content with a selection of 3 cries to signify hunger, tiredness and general discontent, you can now enjoy:

  • shouting, 
  • yelling, 
  • 'singing' (like yelling only happier and in response to music), 
  • 'talking' (saying dadadada, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, lalalalala and t-t-t-t-t-t-t but notably NOT mama) 
  • and my favourite, the blood curdling scream. 

Thursday, 4 September 2014

18 things parents think about other people having babies

Here's what I feel when I learn that a close friend or relative is expecting their first baby.

1. Yay! What lovely happy news. A baby! How brilliant. I'm so happy for them!

2. Awww man. I want a baby! When can we have another one?

3. Squeeee! Cute little baby hats! I'm going to buy it a hat. Baby hats are the bomb. And a blanket. I love baby blanket shopping.

4. Oh look, a scan picture. A poor quality image, identical to all other 12 week scans since the dawn of time. Ahem, I mean "WOW! Isn't it clear? Look it's got a cute little nose!"

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Toddler Fashion 101

This post is a competition entry. The competition is being run by BrummyMummyof2 in association with Debenhams and the winner will be whoever's child makes the best "dream school uniform" from the Debenham's kids range. 

The rules state you only have £100 of pretend Debenhams vouchers in pretend dream outfit land but that was just the right amount for the boy. Pretend shops are his favourite place in the world so this was an easy task for us. 

Unfortunately in our pretend shop land everything usually costs "one pound" and 9 out of 10 times...
"the shop doesn't have that pacoz da beez eated it ALL UP". 

But once we got over these minor hurdles, choosing a dream outfit was easy. 

First up:
"I need big boy pants pacoz I'm a BIG BOY". (Yes, when excited, he shouts the last 2 words of every sentence, for emphasis) He chose these Mr Men pants despite never having watched it nor being potty trained.