Tuesday, 18 November 2014

House Pregnancy

We are currently embroiled in the most agonising, boring, frustrating and all-consuming process we have ever been through, second only to pregnancy.

We are house pregnant. Waiting for the stork to deliver us our brand new family home to love and cherish for years to come. And just like being actual pregnant, being house pregnant SUCKS.

Friday, 14 November 2014

Thoughts you have at 3am when your child won't sleep

The middle of the night is a dark and lonely time when your "old enough to sleep better" offspring are torturing you with frequent wakings, demands for milk or just plain sleep refusal. 

My 11 month old son has a medical condition called "boobaholism" whereby his body apparently shuts down causing him to thrash around as if in agony if his lips haven't touched a nipple in 4 hours. It's a serious and tiresome condition. 

These are a few of the thoughts that come to me at 3am as I repeatedly fail to detach the giant limpet from my breast.

1.  I can't wait for my kids to have babies so I can join in with the worldwide official secrets act in which anyone over the age of 50 pretends their babies "just slept through". (No they bloody didn't!!! You are ALL LIARS!)

2. If I "tripped" and fell on the way back to bed I could pretend I hit my head. Then I could go to A&E for the night and be woken every 15 mins for observations. I would probably get more sleep.

3. My husband might not believe me... So maybe I should ACTUALLY break a limb. I'm sure it won't hurt too much.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Best Feeling in the World

I'm one of the lucky ones in life. In spite of my endless moaning about lack of sleep and inability to urinate in peace, I know I've got a pretty great life.

Today, if you'll allow me. I'd like to tell you about the best thing that's ever happened to me. 

It wasn't my first kiss, which happened to be with my husband and sparked a whirlwind slow-burn, predominantly drunken romance which continues to this day. The taste of cider and roll up cigarettes will always have a special place in my heart. As will the sight of a man in a wetsuit and tux. (He was dressed as aqua-Bond), but it wasn't the best day of my life.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Blogfest Preparation

Tomorrow I'm going to Mumsnet Blogfest 2014. If you don't really know what that means... Well, neither do I but I know I get to meet lots of very funny bloggers I laugh at (... with) on twitter and drink free gin (the gin IS free right?) and get a goody bag. Also I get a whole day without rug-rats in the big smoke!

So here's how I've been preparing:

1. Religiously checking the trainline.com to see if somehow in the past 25 minutes they have decided to cancel the replacement bus service and let me get home on a train. (They haven't.)

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Things to do before having a baby

Here's my 12 step programme to get you ready for parenthood:

1. Make sure all the doors and floorboards in your house are silent. Disconnect the doorbell and the house phone. From now on, anything that can wake a sleeping baby, will wake a sleeping baby and is therefore your arch nemesis. 

2. Learn to prepare, chop and eat food one handed. While jiggling. Single handed toast spreading is  particularly tricky but will serve you well for many years. *Top tip: lower your standards, you don't need the spread to reach all corners, heck, you can even just wipe the toast across the tub of utterly butterly if you're desperate* (Not that I've done that...... recently)

3. Take all the CDs out of your car and disable the radio. You won't need good music where you're going. Replace your entire music collection with one low budget annoying Nursery Rhymes CD. Occasionally, repeat one song on that CD continually for 2-3 days.

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